What is your Most Toxic Coping Mechanism?
Mine was giving my power even before it was taken from me. I felt that by giving away it was no longer being taken by force or imposition.
Thru my formative years, while experiencing childhood traumas, abandonment issues, lack of emotional support and understanding, enmeshment, and sexual abuse; I integrated “I can’t show my power” as a “must” to survive, and it became my outer self.
Later as a young adult, integrating this as part of myself expressed as “giving my power away” in the form of DV, addiction and misdiagnose mental health. This made every single relation I encounter to become toxic some way or another. Back then, I would think the people around me where the toxic ones (they were, but so was I). I would rebel in an eternal quest to take and keep my power.
Looking back, I understand what was going on. I was afraid of not surviving if I took my power and never gave it away again. It took me a while to understand that by giving my power away I was only keeping myself in the eternal loop that I so wanted to break. I was unconsciously making myself relieve all the time I had lost my power, trying to finally have a win only to find myself giving it away again. I had integrated as true and normal having to “fight” for it. I was being hurt by the people around me, but it was I who had to change. By taking my power back, setting healthy boundaries, and accepting who I am from my personal knowing and not from what I had integrated from the outside as my truth; I took back my power and learned how to use it to help others take theirs back.
We all have toxic traits, but we cannot expect to change someone else so we can accommodate and enable our own toxicity. If is hard for us having the knowledge that we have “this” trait in need of healing, imagine how hard it is without that knowledge or with having someone remind you of your own weaknesses while they push their own agenda. The change must come from within. A realization of our own traumas should bring about the knowledge of acceptance and the openness to release the shame and guilt that drowns our ego. To accept the part that we took in our own lessons does not justifies or gives reason to the person who hurt us, what it does is, it opens our present to letting go of our triggers by learning from our own footprints and gives “sense” to our traumas, and thus allowing true healing.
When it comes to self-healing, we need to look and understand ourselves from a personal and intimate view, bring light to our own darkness, as hard as it may be.
May this help someone
Blessed be
Alchemist Eyes
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I share from my spiritual journey in the hopes of helping others that had gone thru similar experiences (DV, Abuse, addiction, childhood traumas, born empath, misunderstood / misdiagnose psychic abilities) to heal, find their unique purpose and develop their abilities; assist in all I can, those in the spiritual journey seeking guidance and everyone who has a desire to transform their life. May we all find a way to help Gaia and all its life forms heal.
Blessed be.
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